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ASK EDDA

Marriage Breaker
updated: Sep 15, 2012, 11:30 AM

Dear Edda,

I am a 42 year old man. When I was in my mid-twenties, I met a girl who was in her early twenties who was in a failing, estranged marriage. We had a brief but passionate affair which gave her the strength to finally divorce her husband. Then she moved to Europe and we lost touch.

Until this summer when, out of the blue after 17 years, she found me through Facebook and contacted me again. It turns out, she's in ANOTHER failing estranged marriage, and she wanted to meet with me. So we met and found that we still (or again) have very strong feelings for each other.

Should I now allow a relationship to develop between us, or am I just her go-to guy when her marriages aren't working? It seems we really do love each other as we did back then, and I could see something long-term developing between us, but I don't want to be considered just a "marriage-ender" for her, or a crutch in times of marital crisis. I do believe that both her marriages were doomed before I was even in the picture, but still I have obvious reluctance.

Any thoughts?

The Old Flame

#####

Dear Old Flame,

So you're thinking three (failed marriages) is a charm?

Edda


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Edda Hatte is a loving and sympathetic advice columnist who helps Edhat subscribers navigate through their complicated and stressful lives. Send your questions to askedda@edhat.com.

Comments in order of when they were received | (reverse order)

 COMMENT 320413 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 11:38 AM

It sounds like she loves you. Go for it, but don't start buying her things. Another thing is that she may not look the same way she did in the past especially if she had children, which could reduce your attraction to her.

 

 COMMENT 320419 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 11:48 AM

Go for it!

 

 COMMENT 320424P agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 11:56 AM

320413 - communication, trust, shared interests, similar living habits, are more important than looks.

 

 COMMENT 320426 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 11:59 AM

It's kind of sad when people are so challenged to recognize a bad bet. This woman has had how many failed relationships? And you think you're going to be "The One?"

Danger, Danger, Will Robinson!

 

 COMMENT 320435 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 12:10 PM

You're clearly her "rebound guy". Of course she loves you when her alternative is to be alone and face herself or stay in her rotten marriages.

Hey, if you liked helping her out of her last marriage only to see her wave goodbye to you too then repeat your actions of the past and don't expect anything different. Repeating your mistakes expecting different results.... well, it doesn't speak well of you.

I know this thread is contrived and I can't believe I post to it regularly. See? Nobody's perfect.

 

 COMMENT 320455 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 12:46 PM

First of all you need to differentiate between love and lust. Love is when you truly are committed to the well being of another.

If she had an affair with you when she was still married twice, and who knows how many others she had an affair with, then when she gets bored with you in a committed relationship you know in your heart she will find someone else to fulfill her fantasies.

This is a woman you want to RUN from Don't waste your time, you are 42yrs old. Find a woman with values and morals that will love and respect not only you, but her marriage vows. Quit fooling around with married women, it's dangerous in more ways than one and really indicates a character flaw that you need to address.

 

 COMMENT 320469 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 01:16 PM

^ totally agree with 455. Her cycle of lies and cheating will never end you will just be another one of the fools to fall for her tricks. But I would consider it ok for you to fool around with her just don't make it a relationship and see how long she sticks around could be a win win for you. Free sex can be good. Because most of the time it will cost you plenty... and I don't just mean $

 

 COMMENT 320485P agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 01:40 PM

If she'll cheat WITH you, she can also cheat ON you.

 

 COMMENT 320492 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 02:00 PM

Run like he77. Don't get involved with people who are married. Don't get involved with people who are separated. Don't get involved with people who have been divorced less than a year. Don't get involved with people who have been divorced twice regardless of how long it's been.

Run.

 

 COMMENT 320510P agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 02:38 PM

Yep, have a fling and that's all. Or tell her straight out why not.
Edda got it right, with concision.

 

 COMMENT 320516 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 02:48 PM

RUN

 

 COMMENT 320521 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 03:00 PM

Dear Old Flame,

You sound like you are judging her when you say she's in ANOTHER failed marriage. How have your marriages/relationships been any better?

Unofficial EDDA

 

 COMMENT 320537 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 03:43 PM

455 has said in longhand what 426 said in shorthand. Bad bet, buddy. And 469 doesn't like women--at all. Shame.

 

 COMMENT 320540 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 03:58 PM

For the first time ever, I actually agree with Edda. Run far far away!

 

 COMMENT 320548 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 04:49 PM

sorry for your assumptions 537. I have a long time woman. I just can see through the bs most women sling at us men. you just hate all men. See how that works?

 

 COMMENT 320583 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-15 06:56 PM

What's wrong with a simple hello and a quick sport thingy? Then seeya.

 

 COMMENT 320634 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-16 07:18 AM

Hit and run!

 

 COMMENT 320641 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-16 07:36 AM

There are always two sides of the story. I would be curious to talk to the x husbands. She may not be telling you the truth about her marriage(s) "falling apart" Don't ever trust someone that cheats with YOU, to not eventually cheat on YOU!

 

 COMMENT 320656 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-16 08:14 AM

I do not see the problem here. Failed marriages are the norm, long steady ones the rarity. read the Hollywood gossip columns. One more toss up makes no difference in the long run.

 

 COMMENT 320701 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-16 09:48 AM

Go for it and if it works then that is great but don't invest your whole heart into it until you KNOW it's safe to do so. Nothing wrong with being the "go to" guy if you are okay with it and you never know, maybe you truly ARE the one... why not see what happens?

 

 COMMENT 320984 agree helpful negative off topic

2012-09-17 08:21 AM

But since you are the guy that helps her get out of marriages, if you are married to her, she won't have anyone to get her out and she will have to stay married to you!

I see a lifetime of happiness ahead for you both.

 

14% of comments on this page were made by Edhat Community Members.

 

 

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