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Going Out On A Limb: 10 Predications for 2011
updated: Jan 07, 2012, 9:45 AM

By Billy Goodnick

[Note: I just found this half-finished blog post in a folder on my hard drive. I meant to finish and post it a year ago, but I'm not one to let things go to waste, so here ya go!]

It's the dawn of a new year as we wave goodbye to a tumultuous 2010 and welcome what will likely be a very uneventful 2011. What were the high points for you? I know I'll remember it as the year Jimmy Carter won a Best Spoken Word Grammy for We Can Have Peace In the Holy Land.

But here we are with a clean slate and high hopes for a better 2011. This is the time when influential bloggers hung over from New Year's shenanigans drag themselves to their computers and pound out their predications for the coming year. The more outrageous the better, since no one ever checks back to see whether Amelia Earhart actually was discovered operating a diner in New Cuyama.

So, knowing that by the start of 2012 this post will be long forgotten, I present Billy Goodnick's Mystical, Omnipotent, Supremely Clairvoyant Predications for 2011.

Prediction #1: An Arab Spring

Jealous of the worldwide publicity Ireland receives from their signature Irish Spring soap, countries across the Middle East will make their voices heard. They will demand that their leaders contact the R&D guys at Colgate to create a new line of personal hygiene products. I predict it will smell like cinnamon, cumin, saffron, prunes, and coriander, with hints of lemon juice, wrapped in layers of phyllo dough.

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Prediction #2: Chia-geddon

This just wouldn't be an annual predication story without the massive annihilation of something. Although tinfoil hat-wearing experts on cable and ancient Mayans agree we have until December 21, 2012, to kiss our heinies goodbye, they are unaware of another impending calamity. In 2011, DNA extracted from a newly discovered, chlorophyl-producing dinosaur will escape from a top-secret lab and infect Chia Pets throughout the world. The tragic result of this pandemic will be not only a massive die-off of kitchen windowsill greenery, but also a cataclysmic loss of advertising revenue on late night TV.

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Prediction #3: Celebrity Plants and Products

In the celebrity world, status is measured by "Odoro ergo sum" (I smell, therefore I am). Anybody who's anybody has their own signature fragrance for sale -Rihanna's ‘Reb'l Fleur' (tagline "Bad Feels So Good"), Mary J. Blige's ‘My Life' (not to be confused with Rob the Rooter Man's fragrance by the same name), or Derek Jeter's ‘Driven' (Couldn't find a tag line. How about "Sniff my bat"?).

With so many stars competing for consumers' nose holes, 2011 will be the year America's idols tap new markets by launching celebrity gardening products. I foresee Lady Gaga Garden Glitz: a selection of glittery masks, flaxen wigs, and flowing boas uber-hip plant lovers use to festoon their plants.

But wait! Why stop there, Billy? In the interest of bringing families together in the garden, junior high-age girls will clamor for weekend chores, just so they can try out Justin Beiber's Hedge Trimmer and Sculpting Gel Combo Pack. Picture your sleek and smooth shrubs sporting jagged cut ends for plenty of texture and shape, and finishing the styling session with a little a squirt of Justin's Jel!

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Predication #4: Parks Rebound

I don't know if my recent grumpy lament about the sad state of Santa Barbara's parks will be the catalyst, but I'm anticipating great things from the Parks and Recreation Department this year. Alice Keck Park Memorial Garden will continue to take our breath away every season of the year, especially the newly planted bed at the corner of Micheltorena and Santa Barbara streets. High drama will ensue as dazzling combinations of foliage and flowers create eye-popping contrasts. And the sorry looking oleander "trees" that have dotted the frontage will be sent to that Great Mulch Pile In The Sky. In their place, lovely, fragrant new street trees will grace Alice's front door.

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Predication #5: Weird Weather Confounds Gardeners

A deep rift will develop in the world of TV meteorologists. What will begin as a friendly disagreement over terminology will escalate to armed confrontations, like the fight scene in Anchorman. The point of contention will be whether to use the term "partly cloudy" or "partly sunny" to describe a day that is neither cloudy nor sunny. To avoid further bloodshed, TV forecasts will be suspended during negotiations, resulting in a week of no weather.

:: :: :: :: :: ::

Prediction #6: 7-Billionth Human Closes Netflix Account

[5:47 pm; dinner break…]


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